Review and Resources: Something Stinks in Stilton (2015)

A review of, and original NPC tokens for, the Melsonian Arts Council's 18th century body horror adventure.

Written by Anxious P., Oli Palmer, and Daniel Sell. Illustration by Anxious P. and Oli Palmer. Layout, editing, and design by Daniel Sell.

Something Stinks in Stilton is a low level adventure for Lamentations of the Flame Princess and other OSR games. Published in 2015 in issue 8 of The Undercroft zine by the Melsonian Arts Council.

In the 13th century, Stilton produced amazing cheese. Then the Church came and suddenly the cheese trade died out. Now it’s 1730 and the village of Stilton has started producing great cheese again. You intend to find out why.

SPOILERS BELOW

The Book

This is a 35 page zine, of which 27 pages are dedicated to the adventure itself. It is written more like a short story than a table-ready control panel. Pages are simply black text on white, although critical information is bolded and highlighted in red. Art is scarce, but what's included is deeply visceral. Body horror is my favorite genre and I've got a pretty high tolerance for it, but there's an illustration of a Cronenbergian cow-human on page 6 that makes my stomach churn. I wouldn't call it particularly gory—although I’m unable to gauge the lay person’s tolerance for gore—but its horrific little details were instantly seared into my mind. Excellent work, Oli Palmer.

Running the Game

I ran Something Stinks in Stilton using Old-School Essentials for a party of five level 1 characters, over two sessions. The first session covered the investigation and the second explored the basement. You could run it as a one-shot, but two felt comfortable. The buildup to the reveal is a strength of this adventure and I'd be loath to cut any of it. As long as you can work with or around the format of the zine, you'll find that it's pretty easy to run.

Resources

I felt like it was a shame that these wonderful characters didn't have any art, as they really leapt off the page when I was reading this adventure. So I made some. Here are tokens for almost every character you could expect to encounter (although I neglected to draw the local priest and the generic town guards).

Cooper Thornhill, Mary Thornhill, James Thornhill, Captain Cuthill, Jacob Smith, Samantha Drake, and Stephen Miller.

Bandits! And a cow-rat fusion.

Something Stinks in Stilton Character Tokens © 2022 by Sean Pagal is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 4.0 International License.

The Story

Stilton begins with a brilliant five page backstory. I was grinning ear to ear the entire time I was reading it. It is incredibly my shit. Without spoiling the fun of a first read too much, I'll say this: The proprietor of the Bell Inn, Cooper Thornhill, discovered a magic gate under his barn that turns people into cows, and decided to use their fucked up milk to make the famous Stilton cheese.

If you are a lover of body horror, then stop here and go read the adventure instead. You can purchase Something Stinks in Stilton individually on itch.io or as part of The Undercroft 5-8 Bundle on DriveThruRPG.

The throughline of this story is pretty straightforward. The players accept the job, encounter bandits on the way there, do a little socializing at the inn, then break into the barn for a mini-dungeon crawl, and learn the horrific truth behind Stilton cheese.

If the players defeat the bandits, then they continue on to the inn unmolested. If they fail to defeat the bandits, another guest will arrive at the Bell Inn shortly after they do. Having been robbed on the way there, Cooper offers this new arrival his barn for the night, then turns her into a cow (if not stopped).

Speaking to others at the inn makes it abundantly clear that something is off here. Cooper's wife and son seem…simple. Mrs. Thornhill offers little besides wordless consternation, and their son wears a cowbell around his neck, doodling strange stickmen. If anyone is brave enough to eat the cheese, which everyone insists is euphoric, they'll definitely know something is horribly wrong when you call for a Save vs. Poison and roll on an "Effects of the Cheese" table. The players might feel uneasy and wish to report to the local authorities, but the Captain of the Guard is here too, and he's a bit too chummy with Mr. Thornhill. 

In the basement of the barn, the players learn that Cooper once had a daughter that was turned into a cow-human monstrosity. In fact, she's still down here, holed up in one of the pens. Cooper has since kidnapped and mutated at least dozens of others. Those that weren't repeatedly butchered—oh yeah, they regenerate health too—are housed in pens to be exploited for their mind rending milk. It's up to the players to determine the course of the story beyond this point.

After Action Report

My playthrough largely followed the intended structure of the adventure.

• After casting Sleep on the bandits, my players took them hostage, looted their camp, and turned them over to the guard. Free cart! And a bottle of Stilton milk that never came up again, though I had determined that the bandits were in league with Stephen Miller (the town's scally).

• At the inn, my players all ate the cheese. Two of them came down with an explicit appreciation of the bovine form. Oh the horror as they realized that people all over England must be experiencing these urges too! If you ran this in a campaign like I did, this is a great plot point to follow up on.

• They waited until after Cooper had gone to bed, but before he woke for his early morning routine, to break into the barn. In the basement, one player accurately surmised the backstory behind Cooper's daughter and the cowbell that allows James to talk to her. Although he assumed Cooper had done it on purpose, which made his crimes even more vile.

• The cow-rats in the library ate the face off the party's retainer. Vicious little creatures.

• Being sprayed with cow viscera in the cold storage just about broke my players' will to remain in the basement. How is there refrigeration at this point in time? Magic or something. Don't think about it. 

• When the party spied the gate and Daisy chained to the wall next to it, they decided it was best to just leave. They ferried the thousands of gold pieces from Cooper's chest to their cart, then painted the barn with "UNHOLY PAGAN MAGIC" and loosed the cow-beasts into the town. They figured the problem would sort itself out.

• We ended with them in the middle of the woods, a cart full of gold, and a dead comrade in a wheelbarrow.

I ran this as the start of a new campaign set in 17th century England, so I intend to follow up on the consequences of their actions. As of now, it looks something like this:

One day later…

• The locals wake to discover the graffiti and cow-beasts roaming about town.

• A mob is formed to kill the cows and arrest the Thornhills.

• James is killed protecting Heather from the mob. His cowbell is lost in the chaos.

• Mary and Cooper are taken into protective custody by Cuthill and his men.

• After the cows are finally slain, the townsfolk lay siege to the jailhouse. Inside are Mary and Cooper Thornhill, Captain Cuthill and his three guards, Jacob Smith—a minor character that I haven't covered in this review—and the two surviving bandits, as delivered by my players.

• The local priest rides to the nearest authorities and pleads for help in resolving this matter.

• Traders and other travelers report that the town has come under mob rule.

One week later…

• The greater authorities arrive to quell the mob and hold witch trials.

• The townsfolk realize they have been bewitched by the cheese and many finally confess to their improper urges.

• The trials conclude and everyone in the jailhouse but Jacob Smith is burned at the stake.

• The debate over what to do with the Thornhill's property continues for a few more weeks.

One month later…

• The Bell Inn, the barn, and its basement, are razed.

• The gate's destruction brings an end to the effects of the cheese.

Final Thoughts

"This is a really fucked up adventure…" — One of my revolted players.

A+ will run again.

You can purchase Something Stinks in Stilton individually on itch.io or as part of The Undercroft 5-8 Bundle on DriveThruRPG.